My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it