Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.