I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.