[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.