Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Yoga Matt
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.