I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
You Might Also Like
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“i miss shittin on people”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.