My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course