Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.