Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Wait a minute…
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no