The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The Joker was right
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
RT if you know someone like this!!!