Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Mmmm canned fish.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.