WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed