[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
☺️
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Finally!
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.