I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
CRYING
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
how long have you had this for?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
no one likes gloating
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them