[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Okay, I’m still confused…
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.