Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
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when mom throws a party…
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
This is the one
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.