I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.