‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
You Might Also Like
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?