toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.