Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad