Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Brb my Sims are getting married
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”