criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
You Might Also Like
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.