Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.