The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
You Might Also Like
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.