I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
we’re dead?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’