godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
everyone’s a critic
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price