It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
You Might Also Like
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.