Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
yeah 😭
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.