If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*