The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
See..?
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