Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*watches the world burn*
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.