My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I am HOWLING at this
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?