Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You Might Also Like
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk