Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
meow
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…