me and who
You Might Also Like
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?