(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel