wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
S O O N
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!