* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.