Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Meanwhile in Portland…
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Wake me when AI does housework
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.