Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.