I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
car not found
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.