I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows