If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
You Might Also Like
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Florida be like…
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Dead sexy!!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.