Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.