Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it