i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
You Might Also Like
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums