I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
File under excellent bookstore names.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week