people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
The biggest mystery of our time
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box