I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
scared to check what name she chose
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.