Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
i can’t wait that long
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform